I love this F’able Hand

Small details give me so much pleasure. Take this floppy fuckable hand for instance. Note how the slender bracelet and charming ring give it that “life-like” look. Why, this could pass for a real severed hand… until you flipped it over and saw the pretty pink vulva in the middle.

According to the package “100% Image is Lifelike” so you KNOW it looks like a human tiny hand with all the bones removed and a mini vulva where the stigmata should be. The fingers are super floppy, and the whole thing seems really hard to use.

Hard to use as sex toy perhaps, but stick it on the end of a wooden spoon and you have an awesome sea creature/monster to scare people with (which, of course, is what I did).

Pure 100% lifelike genius!

Ultraman!! Vibrator!!

Don’t ya kinda wish you got this for Valentine’s Day?

From my personal collection … this rocket-style Ultraman vibe is at LEAST 10 years old and I think impossible to find these days (nah nah nah).

Kinda crappy as a sex toy so he lives among the pewter crackers and felted heads on my mantle, fated to live out his days wishing he could be used for some more erotic purpose…

HAPPY DAY AFTER VALENTINE’S DAY!!

I just can’t even think of what to say about this…

… so I’ll just tell you the details:

• Those are suposed to be pierced nipples … on boobs

• With a vulva three times the size below it

• It is called FUKPUSSY

• The box has a picture of a mini vibe on it “powerful bullet vibrator!” but no vibe in the box.

• “Juicy Vibrating Orgasms”

• It is marked on the bottom as “Flesh” colored.

So much to love/hate!

This was SO good I wanted to cry

Does it get any better then a fuckable butt with a rose coming out of it? Really, I am pretty sure it does not.

UPDATE!

as pointed out below by a smart reader this is actually representing a prolapsed anus which makes it WAAAAAY different in my eyes. And more icky. : (

I liked it when it was just a flower…

Last a lifetime? I think not..

The Last a Lifetime Love Ring is actually a crappy cockring in disguise.

Designed to look like an oversized engagement ring, this pink jelly doohickey* is suposed to be worn at the base of a cock to maintain an erection. So many things about this are just plain silly (but considering who it is made by, surprisingly inoffensive) that I am assuming this is one of those ridiculous “novelties” that is meant to given to a bachelorette, so everyone can laugh and then while out drunk in a bar it gets flicked across the room at some unsuspecting man and lost under a cosmo-soaked table forever.

Or maybe a classy guy is suposed to use it for a really classy marriage proposal:  ”Hey Honey, I have a question to ask you”, drops pants, woman notices cheap plastic diamond-shaped ring on his cock and replies “OMGYES!!! You are so classy I want to Last a Lifetime with you!”

So maybe it is just a “fun” waste of petroleum and packaging and coal-produced energy, but as a sex toy slinger, I REALLY like it when toys work as intended so more than anything this just makes me mad with its lack of practicality. Sure, one could use this (and I am sure a dude or two have tried), but the jelly it is made of is so flimsy and stretchy that no ones ding dong is gonna “Last a Lifetime” with this. And to me, that is just old-fashioned false advertising.

*Full disclosure: I think this is kinda cute despite how much I hate its existence.

Tonguizer

Well, well… look what we have here!

This is a penis with a tongue at the base of it.  His name is Penis Tonguizer. I hope you like looking at it as much as I do.

I’ve been having a hard day here and when this came across my desk, my whole day just brightened up.

So never doubt the healing powers of ridiculous sex toy design.

 

Bacon! Lube!

For many years we have discussed at ETB need for some flavored lube that isn’t quite so sweet, yet we have struggled to come up with WHAT that flavor would be. Lo and behold, I thought maybe the problem was solved with the arrival of Baconlube to the world.

Made from all non-meat ingredients, this water-based lube was originally designed as a joke, but so many people actually wanted it that the company produced real, actual bacon-flavored lube, so you know I had to try it.

But I’ll be 100% honest, when it arrived today I was kinda scared to even open the bottle. Yes, I’ve been a vegetarian for like 20 years, but the couple of times a year that I slip up, it is usually to taste some crisp bacon. So while I am far from an aficionado, I am for sure a bacon-lover.  But still… would bacon-flavored lube be gross?

The answer? Yes and no. It actually smells kinda nasty. Right now it is sitting here on my desk open and when I get a waft of it, it isn’t like smelling bacon cooking on the stove. Not at all. But the taste? Actually not too bad! It has a slight sweetness to it and the smokey bacony flavor one would hope for. Kind of like bacon with syrup (yum!!). I’m saying I’m having it as an afternoon snack, but I was surprised how not gross it tasted.

Truth is, I’m not gonna get around to actually testing this is sack (you are welcome GF) but it stayed slippery during my rub-on-the-back-of-my-hand test so if you are really wanting some Baconlube, you may actually find it performs ok as well (that said, glycerin is the second ingredient, so it is not super vagina-friendly).

Now.. will someone please make Whiskey-flavored lube?

 

 

Wake up with a BANG

My dear friend Matie at Self Serve * in Albuquerque, MN alerted me to this crazy-ass wake up machine. Bascially a vibe you wear all night that wakes you up slowly with a buzz and tingle.

I AM NOT KIDDING!

Personally, I find this intriguing but for me there would be a few problems:

1- My severe aversion to wearing “knickers” to bed

2- I move around like a hockey player in my sleep so I am sure no matter what this would end up by my ankles or in some other non-effective place

3- I don’t need an alarm. I have a 20 month old one who wakes me up at 6:10 am each morning like clockwork.

That said… they are shipping to the US so in the interest of my attempt to be the foremost expert on all things vibrator.. I may just have to give it a spin..

(psst.. Self Serve, along with a bunch of other kick-ass sex shops are part of a group that I belong to call The Progressive Pleasure Club. If you like indie, feminist sex shops, you should check us out on Facebook!)

 

All photos from the manufacturer 

Masque this.

http://yourmasque.com/

 Masque is a $4 dissolving strip that is designed to “Completely mask the taste of seman”. And I have a few things to say about it-

1- They have this picture on their website (above) to show you how to use the product. I really hope it is tongue-in-cheek and not there because they think people are so stupid that they will not know how to open a package and put a thing in their mouth. (Although it could be worse and they had to add it because people were so confused)

2- One of the ingredients listed is “Natural Taste-Masking Agents”. Um, WTF is that and do I really want that in my mouth?

3- $12 for a three-pack? REALLY? To quote my friend Garnet Joyce ”Amazing what some people will charge for an every day product repackaged as a sex product”. (that said, the makers go a long way to argue that is not like any other product out there)

4- I am sure there are women out there who love to give a blowjob but don’t love the taste of seman. But did you know you can give an awesome blowjob without drinking in all that seaman?

5- I just keep thinking how I’d feel if my partner were about to go down on me and busted out a product sayong, “hang on a second honey, I have to completely mask the flavor of you because you taste disgusting”.

I mean, I get it, I do. Not everyone loves tasting every part of their partner, and I know that flavored lubes and body products can be fun and make tasting things more pleasant. But completly eliminating taste completely seems like overkill to me.  I like to think the whole point of sex is sensation in all its forms -not the elimination of sensation.

But then again, I am just one angry dyke feminist who will probably go the rest of her life without having to face this challenge…

 

More Crazy Breasts!

OMG imagine my delight when I saw this today! Hands, breasts and pussy all in one with pubic hair!

Or wait… is that chest hair? Under-boob hair?

Trifecta is the name of this and I could not come up with a better one if I tried!

This might have to be my christmas present to myself.